I have never been one for conspiracy theories, but I do like to keep an open mind.

The moon probably isn’t made of cheese, but then — is there a better explanation for the cancellation of Star Trek:TOS than the idea that the government knew it would need the sets to stage the moon landing? Let’s not be naive and believe the cover story that Shatner needed more than a decade to prepare to star in TJ Hooker. A rational person really has to admit there may well be some kernels of truth.

Still, one needs to be careful… meticulous… Otherwise, you might end up shooting up a Comet Pizza basement and look the fool, even if you might have been on the right path (Clearly, if there’s an international cabal of leftist pedophile traffickers — it would more likely be out of the basement of a California Pizza Kitchen basement… because whoever heard of a Californian knowing anything about pizza?)

But I digress.

My awakening begins, as so many do, by chance.

For some time, I’ve been a pole watcher. In my local grocery, there is a pole. On this pole are hooks, where various cellophane bags of dried peppers are stored. Like so many pandemic noob chefs — I’ve been looking to expand my repertoire beyond the already mastered Tombstone pizza. One item on my list is birria — a tasty Jalisco specialty that requires guajillo peppers to create properly. For some time, the hook for the guajillo peppers has been empty… arbol… ancho… pasilla… but, suspiciously, no guajillo.

As any pole watcher is entitled, I questioned the pole worker — or, clerk, if you prefer. She informed me that there must have been a “mistake” because they did actually order more guajillo, per the empty hook. After some contentious… discussion… she even showed a clipboard, clearly indicating more guajillo peppers were to be ordered. So why was the pole showing no guajillo peppers?!?!

The plot thickens, my mind races. Someone — she would not tell me who — puts the entries from the clipboard into a computer, which in turns transmits the orders.

Obviously, I demanded to see this machine. To audit it. To see the code.

Walking home upon posting bail, I was filled with questions.. questions that need answers… all under one broader, bigger omnibus problem.

Was someone trying to STOP THE MEAL?

To the internet!

As I searched for potential evil doers, I skimmed past countless villains. The Rothchilds and their space lasers, starting fires. Soros and his troupe of crisis actors. How did it all connect? Was Huge Chavez hoarding my guajillo peppers? Was a hedge fund attempting to corner the market? I couldn’t help but feel a veil was being lifted.

I took a breathe and decided to take a step back. The research was piling up more questions than it was providing answers. Years ago, we were promised that voting a certain way would lead to a taco truck on every corner.

So where are they?

I realized that I had been so sedated that I had already been forced into a life of attempting to make my own birria without even understanding the bait-and-switch. Given my prior attempts at BBQ, it was pretty clear that the antacid manufacturers might also be involved. Or at least — or also?- the smoke detector consortium.

Where The Taco Trucks Go, We Too Want To Go — #WTTGW2W2G

As I worked my way through podcasts and videos and online forums and patriots seeking only to enlighten me, rather than sell me books, movies, or clicks — I became more and more certain I was on the right track.

This was clearly the work of a cabal, a great divining of good vs. evil. My introduction may have been accidental, but through a dried pepper, I had found the doorway into a higher level of understanding.

It was then I stumbled upon ‘M’.

M is an ultra-top-double-secret classification. M provides clues — they are called “dollops”. Dollops are tidbits and oddly formed pieces of information meant to help pepper patriots prepare for The Rewarm.

The Rewarm is the coming day when we will no longer have to hunt for specific peppers or even specific foods, but when the global cabal of evil doers will be arrested and justice served — sauces $.50 extra — and their stasis chambers of already prepared dishes will be returned to the masses.

M has been providing dollops for a long time and these dollops are hard to decipher, I’ll grant. Bruce Willis is already dead. Water kills aliens. They were living in the present the whole time. Something about water nymphs I still haven’t been able to crack.

But if you take the final red pill — I’m still on salmon pink, patience — all becomes clear.

So, I have learned to Trust the Flan.